Don’t go Primal

One of the four basic laws of supply and demand is this, if demand goes up while supply stays constant, price goes up.

The number of people who want to buy quality organic vegetables and pasture raised meats is increasing quickly. The supply, sadly, may not be ready for this many newcomers to a “caveman” diet. This may raise the price of quality whole foods.

This is a big problem for me.

I’ve been eating Primal for years now. Yes, it has made me feel better than I ever did before. Yes, I have enough energy to do anything I want. My headaches have cleared up. My IBS is gone. My carpal tunnel is a thing of the past.


But all you newcomers and fence-sitters could make my grocery bill go up. Oh sure, as demand goes up more suppliers will show up. That doesn’t help me now. I might have to pay a few extra cents for my lettuce.

I understand why you would want to go Primal. You will feel and look great. Sadly we have reached maximum membership numbers. You will simply have to deal with your arthritis, diabetes, heart disease, and even multiple sclerosis without us.

I know eating real, unprocessed foods is appealing. I can see why being allowed to eat bacon sounds like heaven. Yes, going Primal can clear up many “incurable” conditions. The thing is, it’s not January. People are only allowed to make changes to their diets in January.

The same holds true for Primal, Paleo, Caveman, or any other name you can come up with. These diets are all the same, just with a slightly different approach. They will all make you feel better. I’d say find the approach that works best for you, but I can’t afford your experimentation.

You will have to get most of your calories from soda like a good American. Soda won’t completely sustain you. I know you will need food, so I’ve made a list of things I don’t eat. Please make all your selections from it:

1. Grains. I mean are they really that bad? Gluten has been linked to a huge number of diseases and conditions. Yes, grains contain lectins and phytates which keep your body from absorbing vitamins and nutrients. But who doesn’t love disease-causing empty calories? So what if grain is heavily processed? So what if they have to add vitamins back in? At least they put them back!

Let’s not forget the carbohydrates. Carbohydrates give you tons of short-term energy. Once the energy fades your body craves more carbohydrates. Lectins actually keep you from noticing you are full. Lectins plus carb addiction is a powerful force. It’s a good thing you get to eat my share.

2. Sugars. Everyone knows that sugar is bad for you, but who cares? It’s delicious! The carbs from sugar along with those from grains are bound to give you diabetes and heart disease. But look how cheap sugar is compared to steak! You could eat a whole 25 pound bag of sugar for less money that a grass-fed ribeye! What a bargain! Heck there’s even evidence that many cancers die out if you don’t ingest glucose, but who cares?! Everyone is going to get cancer anyway right?

I know this is silly. Obviously no one is going to eat 25 pounds of sugar in one day. But you could probably feed yourself for a week on it. Three meals a day, seven days a week…that means you can eat one pound of sugar for every meal and still have some left over for snacks! Just add a multivitamin to your diet. That’s what they do with cereal!

With all the money you save you can afford your medical bills. It’s a win / win.

3. Vegetable oils. – Olive oil is expensive. Even I admit you should never cook with Olive Oil as it just goes rancid. So why not buy a cheaper oil that is already rancid from processing? Rancid just means extra flavors. Rancid also means heart disease and cancer, but everything in moderation.

4. Milk – I don’t like ingesting cow pus. It’s all yours. You can eat cereal every day for breakfast. That’s got you covered on grains, sugar, and milk! A trifecta of awesome!

Lactose and casein can cause all kinds of issues too, but honestly, who can turn down a refreshing glass of cow pus?

5. Legumes – They contain many of the same substances as grain so I’m already hesitant to touch them. Then you add in the digestive distress. Obviously people shouldn’t be eating these things. Or at least, I shouldn’t. You should definitely. They are full of nutrients. You have to get them somewhere, am I right?

So there you have it. Make sure you eat tons of foods from this list. You’ll be unhealthy. But don’t worry, I will be fit as a fiddle.

[box type=”important”]Obviously there’s a bit of sarcasm implied here. You can’t just eat the foods on this list. If you do, my insurance bill will go up.[/box]


Keith Sanvidge

Keith Sanvidge is a lifestyle blogger at He focuses on emulating the life and diets of cavemen in our modern world. Simplify your life and your diet with Primal living. You can follow Keith on twitter @primal_zen

One thought on “Don’t go Primal

  • May 4, 2013 at 11:10 am

    Hilarious! I nearly choked on my grass fed, pasture raised chicken.

    Which I hunted myself with a bow and arrow wearing nothing but a loincloth.


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